Shae O'Brien is an English teacher, writer, wife, and mother to three beautiful girls. She takes life with a grain of salt and two spoonfuls of sugar! Please be sure to follow her on www.facebook.com/catholicmamablog.
Today is the international March for Life Day. It is very well known among Catholics as the Day in which we stand up for those who cannot--the lives of millions of babies lost to abortion. January 22nd is the date that the infamous Roe vs. Wade decision was made, which made abortion legal in the United States. Even the Pope has spoken up on behalf of this day to show support for this demonstration of the appreciation of life.
So, I am sure at this point that my title is cause for some confusion. If I am indeed a Catholic (as my blog title suggests) and I support life (which my past posts regarding Natural Family Planning and three children suggest) then why wouldn't I march?
On this day, millions around the world think about and pray for the little lives lost through abortion. Millions of people talk about what the world missed out on by the taking of these lives, how we will never know the potential those lives held for our future, who they would have become and the worth they had. Everyone talks about the babies...What people don't talk about is the slightly smaller, yet no less important, group that is also thinking about these babies. The group made up of the incredible, strong, beautiful women who faced what they believed was an impossible decision. The group of women who had no one to confide in for fear of judgment and scorn, who believed choosing life for one child may mean an inability to care for the other three, who had no support or education or financial stability to encourage a different decision, who didn't have a choice when the child was made, who believed their child would face the same abuse they did, who chose life when they knew a pregnancy would have killed them. These women are out there today, watching the news and reading the social media articles. They are getting the message loud and clear: EVERY LIFE IS A GIFT.
But when is the last time someone told them that they are a gift, too?
I know...too many women who have gone through an abortion. Friends, loved ones, family members. They aren't murderers. They aren't evil. They are people who continue to act out of love every day toward the people in their lives, their children, their friends, even strangers. They are beautiful beings, and I am incredibly grateful for their existence. Yes, their existence resulted in another life being taken from this world. I also happen to know that their existence has resulted in lives remaining in this world, in lives being enhanced and appreciated and loved. They have made my life better, my world a better place, and it breaks my heart that movements like #marchforlife too often trivialize these women's lives or motives or souls....somehow these women become the enemy.
And why? Why do we find it so important to place the blame, mold the villain, and sharpen the stakes against these women? Is it not bad enough that they had to face such circumstances, such a choice, such judgment, that now they must also hear time and time again the condemnation of the very God that made them?
I cannot march. Every time I think about the marches, the protests, and the demonstrations, I think of the women I know and love and wonder if anyone has told them lately that they matter, that they have worth, that they are more than one moment and one choice. I cannot march. Instead, I pray. I pray for the lives taken through the act of abortion. I pray for the women who thought they had no choice. I pray for the women who continue to feel shame and have no support to help them overcome it. I pray for the women I know and love, that they know they are a gift. Because they are. They are an incredible gift. And perhaps the more we share that message, the more we can work toward changing an attitude that outcasts the broken. Because as broken as they may be to us, they are a priceless gift to God.
**If you or someone you know has experienced an abortion, Rachel's Hope is an organization created to provide support and healing to those in need. Please feel free to visit http://www.rachelshope.org/ **
On my first post in celebration of National Natural Family Planning (NFP) Awareness Week (Why We Use NFP) I received a comment from a fellow Catholic woman stating that the Church is actually against the use of NFP (except in very rare circumstances). My heart dropped as I read the words and judgment (not without good intentions, mind you) of a fellow sister in my own faith. Yet it reminded me of the irony that tends to come with NFP--most often the opposition comes from within.
While most of America is boasting of the "war against women" being the Catholic Church vs. Contraception, there is an inner battle that is still being fought among the members of the Church itself. Natural Family Planning is the only form of "family planning" or "child spacing" allowed by the Catholic Church. That being said, there are many who believe it should not be used at all, unless in a rare circumstance of life or death. Much of this comes from a translation of an encyclical letter written by Pope Paul VII called Humanae Vitae, which discusses human life as it relates to married life and the conjugal act (sex).
The Mistranslation of Humanae Vitae
If you haven't read the entirety of Humanae Vitae yet, I highly suggest you do. It takes time and focus, but it is beautifully written and reflects the love and beauty of God, the Church, and marriage. It also serves as the main reference point for Catholics seeking an understanding of the Church's stance on intimacy and procreation in the eyes of God. Because of this, it is very important that we understand something that often goes unnoticed: there are two different translations of Humanae Vitae in use by the Church in America. One translations comes from Pauline Books and Media and the other comes from the Vatican itself. As an English teacher, I find it integral to recognize what the differences are in this text and how it affects the various attitudes of the body of our Church.
"Grave Motives" vs. "Serious Reasons"
The argument over whether or not Catholics should practice NFP is due to two very different understandings of Humanae Vitae. There is a catch phrase within Humanae Vitae that has promoted a large amount of judgment within the Catholic Church regarding NFP: "grave motives". It suggests that couples may only practice NFP when they have "grave motives" to do so. Except when I tried to find this phrase in the English translation of Humanae Vitae on the official Vatican website, it was not there. As it turns out, this is because the phrase comes from the translation of Humanae Vitae by Pauline Books and Media. In the official Vatican translation, the term used instead is "serious reasons". Is this really that big of a deal?
(of a person) solemn or thoughtful in character or manner.
"her face grew serious"
(of thought or discussion) careful or profound.
"we give serious consideration to safety recommendations"
As you can see from these two definitions, we get two completely different feelings and understandings. With "grave", it offers an understanding of only being able to practice NFP if something is wrong or "gives cause for alarm". With "serious", we get a very different feeling of being able to practice NFP if we do so with "solemn", "thoughtful", or "careful" consideration as to our reasons. The main difference here is that the first word speaks to the reason itself while the second word speaks to the attitude of the couple considering practicing NFP.
Large Families vs. and Small Families
A difference in translations also lends to a difference in belief over what family size the Church promotes and supports. As many Catholics can attest, we are often expected by other Catholics and non-Catholics alike to have a large family. This can sadly become a bar to which any Catholic couple who is struggling to conceive may feel inadequate in their faith for not being able to reach. Let us go back to our two translations to see where the confusion sets in...
In relation to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised, either by the deliberate and generous decision to raise a numerous family, or by the decision, made for grave motives and with due respect for the moral law, to avoid for the time being, or even for an indeterminate period, a new birth.
This translation by Pauline Books and Media suggests that if a couple doesn't have a "grave motive" to avoid more children, then their other option is the "deliberate and generous decision to raise a numerous family". This particular translation makes me cringe when I think of the guilt and stress a Catholic couple may feel, whether constantly second guessing if their motives are grave enough or not using NFP out of fear of committing sin when they may actually need it.
With regard to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.
In the Vatican's translation, suddenly this is changed from an "either/or" choice, to one of constant and careful thought throughout a marriage, which may transition from being ready to have more children to feeling the need to consider avoiding more children and back, as circumstances change and develop. Most important to point out is that in this translation, "prudently" replaces "deliberately" as to the manner in which a couple should move forward in the growth of their family, meaning that it shouldn't be assumed that one must purposefully have a large family but instead consider a large family by "showing care and thought for the future" in their discernment.
"Responsible Parenting"
The beautiful focus, regardless of translation, is the idea of "responsible parenting". This phrase demands of all of us, whether trying to conceive or avoid, to do so with serious consideration, prayer, and communication with one's spouse. It demands that we make the choice of procreation "with regard to physical, economic, psychological, and social conditions". It reminds us that marriage isn't meant to be careless or thoughtless, but instead a woven tapestry of reflection, prayer, discussion, and intimacy between two spouses to become one again and again. Finally, it also places consideration on the most important people in this equation, not ourselves but the children God has waiting for us.
How to use NFP in accordance with God's will
What does this mean for NFP, and for those who feel strongly about their translation or interpretation of Humanae Vitae? It means that we all have a duty to prudently and generously consider where God is leading us in our marriages. It means that some of us may determine that our family is meant to be small and others that ours are meant to continue to grow. It also means that some of us will avoid for a time, or indefinitely, with serious reason even though we may long for more children desperately, while others will intentionally try to conceive cycle after cycle to no avail. It means that because it takes work and communication and reflection of our moral precepts, we will need each other to remind us of the purpose, beauty, and calling of NFP and how we should regard it with respect to God's will in our lives.
Natural Family Planning is about the prudence and generosity of a married couple, and requires constant reflection on the focus and reasoning for that focus toward the future of their family. If you feel that now may be a good time to reflect on your own use of NFP, here are some questions that can assist you and your spouse in beginning that integral communication and prayer (and you are also welcome to check out My TTA Prayer of Discernment), so you may discern what God is calling you to do:
Have we adequately prepared our marriage and our circumstances to be able to care for any future children God may see fit to give us?
How is our communication as a couple, in regards to our needs and desires, concerns and questions? Are we able to listen for understanding and support each other by finding answers together in accordance with God's will for our lives?
What health issues or concerns (physical or mental) do we have and would they best be addressed before considering another pregnancy?
Do either of us have a "serious reason", "grave motive", or "just cause" that we feel merits avoiding pregnancy at this time or indefinitely? What would need to change in this circumstance to allow for our family to grow again, if ever?
Is there a possible reason or motive that we are unsure merits avoiding pregnancy that would be better discerned by talking with our priest?
Is there a "serious reason" or "grave motive" that we feel may require us to avoid pregnancy, but we feel the desire to pursue pregnancy anyway? Would it help to clarify or discern further course of action by discussing this reason with our priest?
In regards to how we view, judge, or confront other Catholics' choice to use NFP, I hope we can focus our thoughts and contemplation on our own morals and actions instead. As I like to think of it, The point is, it is not our job to create bars where the Church has offered curves, to place judgment where the Church has offered allowance. That in no way serves God, the Church, each other, or ourselves.
It reminds me of something teachers say often: "I am looking for your best, and your grade will reflect anything less than your best." In all reality, it is a way to promote purposeful reflection and effort from the student, but is not meant for students to start judging each other's work against their own idea of "best". Only the Teacher can, and should, determine that. The rest of us should be focused on helping our peers turn out the best work they can, which requires a spirit of love, acceptance, and understanding. NFP can only work properly if we do it with a heart of service...to God, our spouses, our family, and each other.
May God truly bless you all in this holy endeavor.
Today, as my charting suggested, I started my period. Each time this happens, I find myself in awe of the way God designed the female body, with a pattern, a cycle of life that I can learn and decipher. I have such an appreciation and respect for my body through all of my knowledge and practice of Natural Family Planning. It really is an incredible and miraculous experience.
To some people, a period is a burden. It's gross. It's annoying. Birth control is an easy way to get rid of it. (All of these things are true.) But I am grateful for it. I am grateful that it shows me my body is working correctly. I am grateful that it reminds me of the power of my body as a woman. And right now, I am grateful that it shows me that I am not pregnant.
Yes, I am one of those women currently using NFP to TTA (try to avoid) pregnancy. And this is another thing I love about NFP. Each month I have the opportunity to talk to my husband, pray with him, and discern if we want to continue to avoid pregnancy or if we feel we are ready to open our lives to another child.
This morning, when I realized my new cycle had begun, I said a prayer in my heart to God:
Holy Father,
It is with gratitude that I accept the beginning of a new cycle. Thank You for Your continued guidance for our family. I pray that You keep my heart and mind open to life, that You keep my focus on Your plan for our family, and that You continue to bless us though we are unworthy. May I always remember to begin each cycle in contemplation and discernment of Your will and continue to recognize the beauty and wonder in the body you have created for me.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Amen
Do you have your own way of seeking God out and discerning your family's needs each cycle? If so, I'd love to hear about it below! If not, you are more than welcome to use my prayer. God bless.
Some days I feel conflicted within myself. As though, my faith and my gender are in constant battle. Last week, after the decision regarding Hobby Lobby's birth control exemption, I had a hard time trying to decide which part of me I should be fighting for, and which side I seemed (by default) to be fighting against.
The truth is that if you ask most Carholic women if they see a problem following their faith as a female, they would undoubtedly say no. Most of us do not feel oppressed by our Church. We do not see the beliefs of our religion as a design to keep ladies in the kitchen. We do not live life with an attitude of being less than men.
On the contrary, you will not find another sect of Christianity that honors women more. We have full prayers and practices devoted not to Jesus, but to his mother. We recognize that the first truly spotless soul was Mary's. We hold her in the highest regard, while most denominations may go weeks or months (maybe years?) without mentioning her name.
Oh, but that is just one woman...what about every woman? What about our rights? The truth is, we fully believe in a woman's right to plan out her family. We encourage women to be educated and in control of themselves and their fertility. We simply don't believe that requires any kind of pharmaceutical assistance. We believe that just because something can be done doesn't mean it should be done.
So, where does that leave me, in this post? While I hold true to my faith and stand strong in my beliefs, I still felt torn by the Hobby Lobby case. I understood why they would be against emergency contraception (a huge myth is that they were against all birth control, though that is not the case). Yet, I struggled with the idea of a government that allowed one person's religious beliefs (even beliefs I may agree with) to make decisions for someone else's life.
When I find myself in battles of conscious, I often end up on Facebook. That statement may make you laugh, but I can honestly say that I have been informed, enlightened, and convicted almost every day on social media. (If you don't feel the same, then maybe you aren't following the right people). As it turns out, this week was no exception. I read posts from Catholics, Protestants, Atheists, Buddhists, and many whose faith may not be defined by one simple title. I read comments and memes and jokes and prayers. Some caused me to laugh, some caused me to cry, many caused me to think...and finally now, they have helped me to write this post. I wanted to share a few with you, so you could see some of what I encountered.
This meme was posted on a Catholic group for mothers. It immediately struck me as offensive, even as a woman who does not use artificial birth control. Is it fair to assume that a woman who uses birth control is using it solely (if at all) to prevent pregnancy? Is it fair to assume that a woman who uses birth control is so premiscuous she cannot keep her clothes on? Is it fair to assume that a woman who uses birth control has less morals or dresses in an immodest manner?
When I tried to suggest that this meme was unfair and offensive, my comment was met with responses that it was just a joke and a way for "like-minded" people to have a laugh during a trying situation. I was appalled that members of my faith found such a crud joke to be humorous and worth sharing.
But it got me thinking: Whose job should it be to judge whether or not someone needs birth control? By giving employers a say in what people (not just women, but obviously women in this case) need or don't need in their insurance plan, doesn't it give license for anyone to judge --regardless of their background, education, or profession? Why are we allowing anyone other than doctors to make these judgment calls, and what kind of people are we becoming because we feel entitled to a say in a stranger's medical wants or needs?
This meme was also found on a Catholic Facebook group. I immediately agreed with its message. Yes! Pay for it yourself! Your choice to use it. Your money to buy it. I can then wash my hands of you like Pilot. Sounds fair, right?
But then I read this post, from a friend who stated he would be unfriending anyone who supported Hobby Lobby. I hadn't expected to be his friend at the end of the day. However, he continued to try to express the reasoning behind his anger, and I am grateful he did...
Your choice to use it. Your money to buy it...that is what I'd said, right? I felt like a light bulb had clicked on in my conscience! THIS is why I felt conflicted! Not because I didn't agree with Hobby Lobby's belief. Because they were telling their employees how to spend the money THEY had earned. They earn their insurance. It isn't a gift from their employer, it's a part of their wages. If they didn't work the right number of hours, they wouldn't get it--because they earn this part of their compensation by working for it!
Somehow this series of posts led me to the conclusion that the Supreme Court made the wrong decision. Hobby Lobby doesn't have the right to dictate to its employees that they cannot eat McDonalds for dinner because the company believes they should eat better. Hobby Lobby can't tell its employees to cancel cable and buy more novels because the company believes they should read more. Hobby Lobby will never set aside 10% of its employees' paychecks to give to the starving children you see on tv because the company believes we should do more for third world countries. Why not? It's not the company's money--it's the employee's!
So, through all of this, I've come to the following conclusions:
1) It is time for religious people to stop speaking up about their faith only when it is a political hot topic. If you are speaking up to evangelize for your faith, you're not going to gain fans by suggesting your poor multimillion dollar religious organization is being bullied by a government that was founded on freedom to choose one's religion. If you are speaking up to defend your beliefs, consider whether or not you are doing so in a way that is reflective of your faith and your God's attitude toward His children.
2) If the government wants to avoid the "slippery slope" of business and religion, perhaps it is time to take health insurance out of employers' hands all together and offer a truly universal healthcare system. OR Perhaps it would also work to let employers choose whatever insurance plan they like, but an employee should have the right to opt out if there is a government plan they would prefer to better suit their wants or needs.
3) It is integral for me, as a Catholic, not to mistake my right to believe and practice my faith for the right to use my faith in an oppressive manner over those who disagree with me. Whether this be in my role as a teacher, my voting in our government, or my words and actions in everyday life. My faith is something I should want to offer others as a gift, not use to abuse or demean them as a weapon of hate. This week opened my eyes wide to the slippery slope of our religious beliefs, and how they easily slide us into roles that serve the one we weekly pray for protection against. Let us be an instrument of peace, a vessel of love, and a defender of freedom to choose...and may we pray that our actions and words influence choices of love, as we would want others to do for us.
